Someone's Grieving...

What to do when there's nothing you can do:

Perhaps you have a friend who has recently experienced the death of someone close. It's hard to know just how your friend feels, and harder yet to know what you should do or what you should say. No person can really understand someone else's grief, but the suggestions and information from this page may help you understand more about what grief is, and how you can help someone who's grieving.

No one can really understand someone else's grief

The most important thing to remember is that grief isn't an event - it's an ever-changing process that takes place over a period of time. Its purpose is to help someone who has lost a loved one face the loss and eventually come to accept it.

Grief shows itself in different ways at different times

Grief shows itself in different ways at different times. When you attend a funeral or visitation, you may see survivors behaving in a stunned, almost mechanical way. This dazed first phase of grief is the way the human body cushions itself from a shock too great to accept all at once. The reason we're all familiar with this phase of grief is that the funeral, visitation, and related activities are very public.

But this is just the beginning of grief for someone who has lost a spouse, a parent or child, a dear friend. There are other phases of grief that are not so visible. After the funeral, family members and friends must return to their own homes, jobs and lives. The grieving person must assume all the tasks and responsibilities of daily life while the loss is still acutely painful. Your friend may seem vague, disinterested, or unusually quiet. At times, they may seem angry - at you, at the world, even at the deceased. This is a normal and very common reaction to loss. It's an expression of frustration over the situation which the grieving person is experiencing.

But it's dangerous to make decisions for a grieving friend

Often, the anger or depression a grieving friend is experiencing will cause hasty decision-making or apparent inability to make decisions at all.

Grieving people may feel inadequate or helpless at times. If you take over their decision-making for them, you're likely to make them feel even more helpless.

This doesn't mean that listening, and loving gestures, are not helpful or important. They're extremely critical to a grieving individual's recovery. In your listening and caring, though, urge your friend to make their own decisions. When approached for advice, try responding with "What do you feel would be best?" or "Do you feel ready to decide that now?" You'll find this far more helpful to a grieving friend than making decisions they cannot seem to make.

Grief has no timetable

Sometimes, grieving people seem completely recovered from their loss within just a few weeks of the death. They may be extremely active, busy with new projects, and apparently completely over their loss. Grief has no timetable, but experts tell us that it often takes from 18 months to two years for people to truly get over grief. There may be cause for concern if you have a friend who has apparently not been affected at all by the death of someone else. The best thing you can do is be available, and listen. It's the best way there is to encourage your friend to open up and express sorrow - when the time is right for it.

The end of grief is sometimes called resolution

The end of grief is sometimes called resolution. This means that the grieving person has had time to face and accept the loss. This happens a little at a time, over a period of months or years, not all at once. Even your grieving friend may not be able to identify just when an acceptance of loss finally came about. But looking back, many individuals realize that at some time, life began to seem bearable again, challenging, perhaps even happy.

Meanwhile, as a friend to someone who's grieving you may be facing some puzzling situations. Here's some sound advice for supporting your friends in ways that will help and comfort.

First of all, attend funeral services or visitation, even if you didn't know the deceased. These services are really for your friend and the others who knew and loved the deceased. For them, your presence is comforting. Even if a casual friend or co-worker has experienced a loss, go to the funeral or visitation. Your presence is felt, and it is appreciated.

You may be reluctant to attend funerals because you are not sure what you should say or how you should act. "I'm so sorry" is always an appropriate condolence, as is "I hurt for you." "I know just how you feel" may not be as comforting as you think.This might suggest to the grieving person that their feelings are not unique.

If you cannot find the words, a warm hug, an arm across the shoulders, a firm clasp of the hand are always comforting.

Call or pay a visit

A phrase commonly heard at funerals is "If there is anything I can do..." The problem is that very few grieving people will call on you later for help or companionship, no matter how badly they want it. It might be best to call after the funeral with specific offers" "I thought I'd come and mow your lawn this Saturday,"... or "Here's a casserole you can heat and eat some night when you don't feel like cooking." Offer something that you know is needed. Vague promises to stay in touch are too often forgotten after the funeral.

Let your friend know it's all right to talk about the loss, or cry

What about the weeks following the funeral? These may be some of the loneliest times of all for your grieving friend. Call or pay a visit soon after the funeral. You don't have to stay long. In fact, you probably shouldn't. Spend this short time focusing on your friend's feelings. Refer to the deceased naturally, by name. Don't hesitate to ask your friend how they are feeling. Let your friend know that it is all right to talk about the loss, or cry. Listen carefully to what is said. Don't reassure with phrases like, "it's probably for the best." Such reassurances, no matter how kindly they are meant, often seem insensitive to the newly bereaved. The most important ingredient of this, is successive visits, and is your acceptance of your friend's feelings, whatever tight be.

Remember your friend on weekends, holidays, and special family times.

These occasions are often painful and full of memories for the bereaved individual. Invite them to join you on an outing, for a movie, or just a quiet evening visiting or watching television. At first you may get a lot of refusals. Your friend may not not fell up to socializing, and it's important not to be insistent at this time. Just try to understand and offer again later.

Over a period of months, your friend will start making some plans for their new life, and will feel like socializing and getting back intro the mainstream of life. And when this happens, you'll realize how much your presence and caring has meant to your friend, and how valuable it has been to simply keep the channels of communication open. That's the real value of what you can do, when there's apparently nothing to do.